I was so excited a few weeks ago when Melissa announced she would be hosting a new series about teen and tween issues! {and slightly shocked that we are already moving into that bracket with our oldest son!}
Thankfully, whew, last week’s topic did not apply to us! I am definitely NOT ready for that! Although our oldest is rapidly approaching twelve years old, he does not have a cell phone yet. He can barely keep up with his homework, much less any costly electronic device!
This week’s discussion, however, hits home with us – quite loudly, in fact. Respect. More specifically – teaching your tween or teen to respect you. Like Melissa, I too was a teen mom. We eloped when I was 18 and had our first child just before my 20th birthday. Before his first birthday though, I was a single mom. We spent his first five years being more like a team than like mother and son. I taught him proper manners and to always respect his elders. I encouraged him to always talk to me about anything and everything, which thankfully he still does (for the most part).
Somewhere along the way, however, I missed the part of emphasizing to him that I am, in fact, one of his elders, and so is his dad. The dynamics of both my relationship with our son and his relationship with his dad are complicated, to say the least, which is another side effect of our complicated history. At any rate, respect took a back seat to survival for too long for all of us apparently. Now the issue is in full swing, and is spilling over to his behavior at school and with others.
According to the article Melissa quoted, we are off to the right start in correcting his current behavior. We have already taken away every electronic device/privilege he has. We are both making great conscious effort to calmly correct his disrespect and ask him to rephrase his comments in a much more respectful way. And we already require him to apologize to anyone else he is disrespectful to or in front of. Based on the list in the February issue of Home Life Magazine, we have already taken significant strides in conquering the tween attitude and mouth.
There were two other suggestions that I am planning to incorporate into our lives. First of all, I really love the idea of drawing up a contract detailing our expectations for his behavior, asking him to show us respect and so on. My son’s favorite excuse to everything is that he “didn’t know….” This contract would completely eliminate that excuse, because we would then have a signed document stating our expectations, and his signature to prove that he was more than aware of the boundaries.
Secondly, our son, unfortunately is starting to demonstrate great aggression and rage. I’m sure part of that comes with his age and trying to find his place in the new society that is middle school. Part of it is also a result of moving several states away from all the friends and familiarity he has known for most of his life. As a mom and as a trained counselor, I can sympathize and understand both of these. However, I refuse to just excuse his behavior and allow the issue to continue to grow. Therefore, we are openly considering finding a local Christian counselor for our son to see in the hope of conquering whatever battle is raging inside of him right now.
As Melissa said, I will not answer to God for parenting the other children Trey’s age. I will only answer for how I shepherd and teach him. Neither will I be judged by whether or not my parenting pleased those around me. I am not a perfect parent, but I am Trey’s parent. It is my responsibility, my God-given responsibility, to do the very best I can to always point him toward a life that is pleasing to the Lord.
Are there parenting issues you are facing? If so, where do you find your answers?
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